{I wrote these words a week ago and decided to share them with you. I want to encourage anyone - who can’t see past the darkness - that you are not alone & that is okay to not be okay. I’m with you and I hear you.}
My pastor said something this morning (6/3) that I wanted to share...
“A soul that is held by grace trusting in the LORD, that is faith. Not 'everything is awesome.'”
I see tons of posts on here (Instagram) that talk about being vulnerable/authentic, and how life is hard. However, I get inauthenticity from those posts because they tend to end with “everything is awesome” or "I'm okay now."
And I don’t believe that’s always true.
Sure, everything can end up being awesome but what if it isn’t? What if you are continuing to wrestle with God about the hard things, and with the ugly parts of our lives that we hide from the world? What if everything is not awesome? Why don’t we share those things with the world?
There is one Psalm that I love because it doesn’t end on a high note. It ends, after the psalmist has lamented rather sorrowfully, with “darkness is my closest friend.”
I love that because it shows me that, sometimes, it’s okay to still be in the dark. It’s okay to still wrestle and ask questions about what is happening in the world and in our lives.
For me, it resonates deeply because I’ve spent the majority of the last 8 weeks wrestling with seeing God's goodness in my life. I’ll admit, I don’t see it right now. But neither did the author of Psalm 88. I know it’s there but I can’t see it yet.
I’m still there a week later. I’m still confused, upset, and frustrated with everything that has happened with my life-altering diagnosis several weeks ago.
I hate the disease that has entered my body and turned my body against me. I hate everything I have to do to make sure I don’t die.
Despite all of that, I still read my copy of the Word everyday. I still sing the worship songs. I still attend church & small group every week.
But I still wrestle with it. And THATS OKAY.
I think we dismiss people if they have question or doubts. When, in reality, we need to wrestle with them. We need to walk alongside of them as they work to figure it all out.
God is holding those people in grace so why can't we?
So, that's where I am at in life right now. I'll see God's goodness through this disease eventually.
Thanks for bearing with me and waiting patiently.
More to come in the next couple of days. :)
